PuneMirror : Do not demonise dad

Gouri Dange - Writes about the love-hate equation that we all have with our city

Do not demonise dad

While women refuse to let ex-husbands visit their children, equal parenting rights is what many city men are battling for

 

Posted On Wednesday, January 01, 2014 at 08:42:44 AM

The recent Family Court circular that orders women to let ex-spouses visit kids must come as a welcome move for so many young fathers. The court statistic says that as many as 75 per cent of women in over a thousand divorce cases refuse to let ex-husbands visit their children, even if they have agreed to do so in the terms of the divorce.

These are not men with any kind of abusive, neglectful or other unfatherly traits in them. Many of them are victims of vengeful and deceitful stances taken by their ex-wives and the exwives’ families, well after the divorce is in place. The maturity and understanding needed to not continue the battle between the divorcing parents in a way where the children become pawns, seems absent from many of these women and from the legal and familial advice that they get.

Fathers on the other hand are advised routinely to either ‘let it go’ as there is no point in pushing for your rights and further alienating the ex-wife and being turned into a further villain in the eyes of the child. Or some are advised to insist on taking the child for a visit by taking a policeman with them, etc. The choice for men in these situations seems to be between the devil and the deep sea.

Either watch your child being alienated from you and its paternal grandparents, or put on a tamasha just to have the child come visit, and risk being labeled abusive, dangerous, a threat, etc.

Very soon, the father gets demonised in the eyes of the child, and the mother then declares that the child is refusing to go visit the father. It’s a lose-lose situation for the father and his family, and a much larger tragedy for the child who is brought up to believe that the father is persona non grata, or worse, ‘was just not bothered about you when you were growing up’.

Up until now, those fathers who have given up on any healthy regular interaction with their children sometimes can only hope that when the child is old enough to ask some real questions, he or she may try to seek out the father…but that is only much later, after many years have passed.

By then, the disconnect is huge, and the way back to each other is often awkward and painful. While the new order is most welcome news, as in all things Indian the mechanics of how exactly the order itself can be carried out effectively is something that is not clear. Even now, would a father have to still storm in armed with a court order, to take his child for a visit?

Would that not keep things as unfairly loaded against him as before? The mechanics of refusal, from what many fathers have experienced, is very easy for any mother who wishes simply not to let the two meet in any sustained or meaningful way. The excuses are plentiful and frustrating. “He is not well.” “Today she has gone for a class outing.” “She says she is scared of you.” “She says it is boring in your house.”

The list is long. The other subtle pressure comes from mothers or maternal grandparents quizzing the child when he or she returns from an outing with the father, in such a way, that the child feels guilty and disloyal for having had a good time, or for looking forward to the next outing.

Many women are deeply insecure and defensive about what the child will tell the other parent or grandparent about the mother, or are afraid of the ex-in-laws poisoning the child against its mother on such visits. While in some cases this may be true, it is simply not the case many times.

The answer is not in refusing to send the child at all, but in negotiating what areas of conversation are simply a no-no with a child, in both homes. Some couples have managed to find a balance, thereby insuring that some modicum of stability and unambiguous access to both parents is restored in the child’s life.

To quote from a recent Pune Mirrorreport, “Disputing parties need to embrace an integrated approach, keeping in mind the mental and emotional wellbeing of the child. Also, there are guidelines on child access and custody laid down by the Bombay High Court in 2011 that clearly place both natural guardians on an equal footing, placing paramount importance on the child’s welfare,” says Mahesh Shinde, president, Men’s Rights Association.

While women have had to battle hideously unfair situations in divorces, surely the time has come to look at the silent suffering of many of our city’s divorced fathers.